I Admit, I Paid Someone to Touch Me

Remember in my last blog how I said that we had a lot of "crazy" things planned for me to end my trip? Well one of the things that I was supposed to do was go to an ostrich farm and ride an ostrich! My uncle's friend owns a farm but the friend ended up going to the hospital because of some heart condition so we couldn't go. Instead...I just ate dog.


Ha Ha! I'm totally kidding. I ate ostrich meat today. I only have that picture from above cause some family had the tiniest chihuahua ever at the restaurant that we were at when I ate the ostrich meat.

Since I couldn't ride an ostrich I was panicked because I didn't think that I'd have anything exciting to write about. Well, I decided that I'd go ahead and get a massage in an Asian parlor (hence the title to this blog). Now, if you know me...you know that I am really peculiar about being clean, being comfortable, being safe, etc. Getting a massage at an Asian parlor is one of the last things I would ever want to do but I only did it because I knew that you guys would find it amusing.

Prior to going to Vietnam, a lot of my friends kept talking about going to Asian massage parlors and getting a "happy ending." In case you are unaware of what a "happy ending" is I have defined the term using urban dictionary as a source. "When a massouse feels inclined to finish your session w/ oral sex or manual release (usually for an extra twenty dollars)"

I didn't know what to expect going into the massage parlor. I was worried that I'd be in an awkward situation where the masseuse might try and make a move on me. I didn't know if girls would be offered a happy ending. I didn't know if they only gave happy endings on request or would the workers feel inclined to just taking matters into their own hands. All I knew was that i did not want a happy ending from these people!

I know that you guys are going to laugh at this next part...but I did what I had to do. You'd probably do the same thing if you were in my position! Well, the uncertainty was driving me up the wall and making me stressed out. To ensure that I was ready for anything...I did extensive research the night before to see what the best tactic would be in declining an offer. I read forums and articles online of people (males and females) being put in the same situation and having to turn it down. I figured that if they tried to pull any funny business on their own without my consent...I'd just round house kick them to the face. If they asked for my permission ahead of time, I would just tell them, "Nha khong, cam on" (no, thank you in Vietnamese).

While we were in the taxi I started thinking, "OMG, what if my Vietnamese isn't clear and they don't take my no for an answer? What do I do then? Will my only tactic be a roundhouse kick to the face? Do I even know how to do a roundhouse kick to the face? I ended up not even having enough time to devise another plan because the taxi stopped and my uncle told me to get out of the car. We started walking down the sidewalk and passing up all the stores and shops. We stopped at a massage parlor and I looked in. There were about 20 young Asian girls dressed in hoe skank clothing. They all stood up when they saw me, my uncle, and my mom near the door and my heart started pounding like Pocahontas' beating drum. But my uncle looked in and exclaimed, "This isn't the right place at all!" He then took a quick look around the other businesses and said, "Oh, it's next door!" My mom proceeded to tell my uncle, "That's a massage parlor for you!" I wanted to take a picture of the girls in their clothes but my mom yelled at me and told me that they'd probably arrest me or yell at me for doing it. Instead...I drew a picture to the best of my ability/memory of what the girls looked like.


Darn it, I just realized I forgot to give that hooker a belly button...Shmeah...I'm too lazy to change it. You get the picture though. Hey...she sort of looks like my sister. LOL! Don't hit me, Dana!

We got to the next place and I felt a little better because the workers were in white uniforms, looked pretty professional, and were not showing their bodies off in any way. My mom and I signed up for facials and I signed up for a massage. However, I was still a little freaked out that I might be offered a little sumtin sumtin. Then two workers asked me and my mom to follow them upstairs. If I were to come up with another plan...I'd have to come up with it pretty quickly. I knew exactly what to do at that point! I blurted out, "Can me and my mom be in the same room for our facials and massage?" There's no way in hell they would try and pull any funny business when my mother would be laying on the table next to me! Well, my mom was mortified because she told me explicitly that she did not want a massage. The workers told me that it'd be fine if it were okay with my mom. I shot my mom a pleading look so she consented =)

Feeling about 99.8% sure that no funny business was going to occur, I followed them into the room and stripped down the necessities. I then looked over at the wall and saw this sign:


At that very moment...I felt 110% sure that my mom and I were going to be okay!

During the massage I asked my masseuse about the massage parlor next door and the skanky girls in front. She just laughed and said, "It's not really a massage place...do you understand what I'm saying? They just pretend to pound your back for a little bit but then they do other stuff for money"

In the end...our facials and massages were amazing. It was only 25 dollars each =) Definitely go and treat yourself when you're in Vietnam since it's so cheap. I just hope you don't freak out as much as I did! If you're looking for a legit place to go...I can give you the information to the place I went to. If you're looking for a "happy ending"...I can give you that information too! Ha! Ha!